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Dog Save The Queen (transcript)

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This article is a transcript of the T.U.F.F. Puppy episode, "Dog Save the Queen" from Season 1. It aired on October 10th, 2011.

"Dog Save The Queen (transcript)"
Season 1, Episode 39
Dog Save the Queen Title Card
Production Code: 120B
Airdate: October 10, 2011
Villain(s) Featured: The Chameleon
Credits
Writer(s): Kevin Sullivan,
Will Schifrin,
Ray DeLaurentis
Art Direction: George Goodchild
Music by: Guy Moon
Chronology
Previous
Guard Dog (transcript)
Next
A Doomed Christmas (transcript)


Transcript

  • (episode starts: Dudley is flying in the T.U.F.F. Mobile, talking into a radio)
  • Dudley: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your super handsome captain speaking. We've reached our cruising altitude of super duper high and our top speed of.." (eyes open; Kitty increases the plane's thrust) "Whoa! Really fast! Aargghaho!"
  • Kitty: (piloting) "There it is Dudley - London, England." (London appears in the background, with some famous landmarks visible) "Also known as the U.K.!"
  • Dudley: "Okay!"
  • Kitty: "U.K."
  • Dudley: "No way."
  • Kitty: (landing plane) "This is it Dudley, BUFF - the British Undercover Fighting Force."
  • (They walk into a red telephone box, which takes them down into an underground passage where they walk through doors, Get Smart-style)
  • Dudley: "I'm a little nervous Kitty. You know, in some countries it's weird if you don't wear pants."
  • Kitty: "That's weird...everywhere. Look, all you need to know is that in England, everyone stops for tea time and they do everything with their pinkies extended."
  • (They reach the BUFF building)
  • Biff: (in a posh English accent) "You must be from TUFF. Welcome to BUFF, I'm Biff."
  • Dudley: (whispering to Kitty) "I'm gonna need you to translate, I don't speak England." (loudly enunciating to Biff with hand gestures) "IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.. I AM DUDLEY, SHE IS KITTY."
  • Biff: (smiling) "Yes, I can hear you old chap. There's no need to yell."
  • Dudley: "I DON'T SPEAK YOUR LANGU-AGE.." (bites butt)
  • Biff: (to Kitty) "Are you aware that the deaf dog has no pants?"
  • Kitty: "Sorry, travelling makes him a little cuckoo. So does not travelling." (Dudley still biting butt)
  • Biff: "Righto. Well, time to brief you on your assignment." (leads Kitty to control center; images show on screen) "We've received intel that one of your American villains, the Chameleon, is planning to steal the crown jewels. The jewels are usually kept in a vault in Cluckingham Palace. But, tonight the Queen will be wearing them to the royal ball will they will be vulnerable to theft."
  • Dudley: (to Kitty) "I don't know what he's saying. But judging from the pictures I'd say we're getting fancy hats and a chicken dinner!" (puts on chicken bib)
  • Biff: "TUFF agents, this mission is of the utmost importance. We must act immediately or-" (Big Ben rings) "Oooh, jolly good tea time." (table complete with tea set appears from underneath the floor)
  • (everyone drinking tea)
  • Kitty: "Don't worry Biff, with us on the case the Chameleon will never get those jewels." (all three make a toast with their tea-cups, pinkies extended)
  • Biff: "Tally ho."
  • Chameleon: (disembodied) "Think again toots! With my ability to disguise myself as anything, you'll never find me."
  • Kitty: "It's the Chameleon!" (Dudley drinks tea)
  • Dudley: (spits tea out onto clock, causing it to malfunction) "Aargh! Hot tea!"
  • (clock shapeshifts back into the Chameleon)
  • Chameleon: "Oh, once again you have thwarted me with hot beverage! But I'm still going to steal those jewels.. right out from under you! (pulls rug, causing Dudley, Kitty and Biff to fall) "Now, as they say in your country: pip pip, cheerio, London broil!" (exits through door)
  • (Dudley, Kitty and Biff chase him into a large office area)
  • Kitty: "Dudley, the Chameleon could have transformed into anyone!"
  • Dudley: (holding tea kettle) "Not a problem." (drinks tea)
  • (goes around spitting hot tea onto everyone)
  • Dudley: "Okay Biff, no one here is the Chameleon! But don't worry, I'll keep spitting hot tea on people until I find him. It's what heroes do."
  • (meanwhile, the Chameleon is outside the B.U.F.F. building; he transforms into a double-decker bus)
  • Chameleon: "Hihihihihihihihiii.. I am the double-decker Chameleon. Now with two levels of evil!" (monkey boards bus; pays fare)
  • Monkey: "Tally ho!"
  • Chameleon: "Wow, that's a nice chunk of change. If the crown jewels thing doesn't work out I've got a career in public transportation." (drives off; then yells) "Why is everyone on the wrong side of the road?" (crashes; car flies by)
  • (scene cuts to Dudley and Kitty at the entrance of Cluckingham Palace, in disguise)
  • Kitty: "Now that we're in disguise, we can guard the palace without the Chameleon recognising us."
  • Dudley: "Check it out! My big furry hat is awesome. I can hide a cake in it! (pulls bearskin up to reveal cake on head)
  • Kitty: "Focus Dudley.. As an official palace you're not allowed to move or talk."
  • Dudley: "I can totally handle that. By the way, I like your sad old maid disguise."
  • Kitty: "I'm an English nanny. And I'm about to slip into the palace and quietly blend in. Watch and learn." (opens umbrella up but is carried aloft by winds) "Aaah! Dudley, help!"
  • Dudley: "Sorry, but I'm not allowed to move! I shouldn't even be talking to you."
  • (Disguised as a Royal Mail pillar box, the Chameleon transforms into his usual self)
  • Chameleon: "Oh, Agent Puppy thinks he can fool me by wearing a cake hat! But it is I who will fool him, and lure him away from the palace gates! (evil laugh, then transforms into bouncing tennis ball)
  • (bounces towards Dudley)
  • Chameleon: "I am a tennis ball! So fun to fetch. Bounce bounce, Wimbledon, double fault." (bounces off)
  • Dudley: "Must resist.. urge to fetch.. shouldn't even. be talking.. to myself."
  • Chameleon: (drives by as Fifi Oui Oui) "Yoo-hoo! I'm a pretty girl dog, driving a truck full of bacon.. pulling a trailer full of gravy!"
  • Dudley: (smells) "Can't resist! Bacon, gravy, bacon, gravy, tennis!"
  • (The Chameleon returns to palace in truck, sneaks inside while laughing)
  • Dudley: (holding strips of bacon, Kitty is still flying around with umbrella) "Kitty! The Chameleon got into the palace and I swear I wasn't chasing the bacon lady."
  • Kitty: "I'll get him." (blown by wind) "Aaahh! You'll get him!"
  • Dudley: "I'm on it! (returns to truck) But first I'm gonna need some bacon.. (eats) and more cake. (eats)
  • Kitty: "DUDLEY!"
  • Dudley: "Sorry."
  • (scene cuts to Dudley inside the palace, rushing to the queen who is sitting on her throne)
  • Dudey: (shakes Queen's hand) "Hello your majesty! I'm Dudley Puppey, the TUFF agent that Buff from BIFF. briefed you on! I mean, that Biff from BUFF briefed you on! (shows bacon) "Here's my badge! Wait that's bacon! Oh no! That means I ate my badge!"
  • Queen: "I assume... you eat your pants as well."
  • Dudley: "I don't know what you're saying but we have a problem. My partner Kitty let the Chameleon get into the palace."
  • Kitty: (still flying by) "I did nooot!"
  • Dudley: "You have nothing to fear from the Chameleon... unless of course, you are the Chameleon!" (drinks tea from kettle and spits onto Queen)
  • Queen: "You imbe.. bakbak..becile! It's not even tea time yet! Bak!"
  • Dudley: "Whoops. Sorry your majesty. I'll get you a towel." (cleans the Queen with towel) "The good news is, you're not the Chameleon. Unless, the Chameleon took your place while I was getting a towel!" (spits tea again)
  • Queen: (clucks) "Stop it at once! You're on thin ice you half-witted..baka..buffoon!"
  • Dudley: "You're welcome! Now that I know you're not the Chameleon, I'm gonna search the palace until I find him. If at some point you suspect you're him, spit this on yourself! (hands kettle over)
  • (Dudley rushes into ballroom)
  • Dudley: "Whoa. Big room. I'm gonna need a lot of tea." (The Chameleon disguised as Kitty comes flying in from window) "Kitty you're back!"
  • Chameleon: "Yes, it is I, Kitty Katswell, a secret agent cat, which I am because as far as you know I am not anything else.. Nine lives, ten claws, I like tuna!" (whacks Dudley unconscious with umbrella, shapeshifts back into his regular self) "Now to get Agent Puppy out of the way for good." (laughs while dragging Dudley underneath table, then transforms into Dudley) "Now to give Agent Puppy the royal treatment!"
  • (jumps out and runs around destroying everything)
  • Chameleon: (destroying suit of armor) "Ooh, look at me I'm Agent Puppy and I'm destroying priceless English antiques!" (vandalizes the room, draws over Queen's portrait with a marker) "Hey toots, you don't look like your picture! I'll fix that with this permanent marker.. that I stole!"
  • Queen: (points) "Guards, arrest him at once!" (Chameleon retreats underneath table and transforms back into his normal self)
  • Dudley: (waking up) "Wha?"
  • Chameleon: "Haha!"
  • Dudley: "Chameleon?!" (guards drag Dudley from table and out of room) "Heyy! Wait, you've got the wrong guy! It was the lizard under the table! If you don't believe me ask the chicken with the mustache and the cat with the umbrella!" (doors shut)
  • (scene cuts to Dudley held in a cell in the Tower Prison)
  • Dudley: "Seriously I'm innocent!" (through wicket door, to guards) "Okay I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to blast you." (pulls out bacon) "Ha! More bacon? Oh no, that means I ate my blaster! Can you get me a doctor? If I burp I can explode." (guard shuts wicket door) "Ouch!" (looks outside through window) "Oh no, the ball is starting! Even worse... my.... blaster's making me burp! (burps, firing blaster; laserbeam deflects off ceiling, hitting Dudley) "Aaaaiiii! Ow, this country hurts!"
  • (scene cuts to Queen opening her vault)
  • Queen: "I so love this big crown..oohoohoo.." (puts crown on head) "I can hide a cake under it. Well, I'm ready for the (clucks) ball!"
  • (in ballroom; crowd awaits the Queen)
  • Guard: "Ladies and gentlemen, her majesty the Queen." (removes hat and bows)
  • (trumpets blare, Queen walks down staircase wearing crown jewels; people in formal-wear clap)
  • (the Chameleon disguised as a pot plant transforms into a suit-wearing wolf; he walks forward)
  • Chameleon: (to everyone) "Hello, it is I, the Chameleon!" (people stare) Well, I mean Lord.. of the Flies." (to man, with a plate of flies) "Here, have a fly.. I'm sorry, I'm all out of silverfish.. Ohhh, tally ho, English muffin, fish and chips!" (looks at crown) "And now to make my move!"
  • (Chameleon transforms into his regular self, crawls up wall, attaches himself to the ceiling and rappels down onto the Queen with his tail)
  • Chameleon: (tries to pull off crown) "What is this a crown or a bike helmet?! And why is there a cake inside of it?"
  • Queen: "Guards! Stop this thief at once!" (guards about to seize Chameleon, but bell rings)
  • Guard: "Oh jolly good, tea time." (everyone gets out cup of tea)
  • Chameleon: "No tea for me.. I've filled on flies. Well, if I can't take the crown I will have to take you!" (grabs Queen and escapes via ceiling)
  • (cut to Kitty, who still happens to be flying over the palace chimney with her umbrella)
  • Kitty: (via wristcom) "Dudley, the Chameleon's got the Queen!" (Chameleon transforms into taxicab and drives off with Queen inside) "Where are you?"
  • Dudley: (still in tower) "Over here."
  • Kitty: "Hop on." (Dudley hops on her shoulder) "We've go to save the Queen!" (pursues Chameleon from above) "There's the Chameleon. I'm gonna blast him!" (takes out spoon) "Oh wait, my nanny disguise only came with a spoonful of sugar!"
  • Chameleon: "Heeh! You won't catch me because I'll never run out of gas.. especially after eating all of those flies!"
  • Dudley: (holding umbrella) "Gas! That's it! Kitty, you're a sad old nanny.. burp me!"
  • Kitty: "Uggh, did you eat your blaster again?"
  • Dudley: "And my badge.. and your spoonful of sugar.. it helped the medicine go down, which I had to take after I ate my badge."
  • (Kitty holds him and pats him on the back to make him burp; He burps a laserbeam at the Queen, which chars her)
  • Dudley: (smells smoke) "Why am I suddenly craving hot wings?"
  • Kitty: "Dudley, if the Chameleon crosses that bridge he can easily flee to Scotland, Greenland or even Russia!"
  • Dudley: "So?"
  • Kitty: (images of respective agencies appear) "We're not authorized by SCUFF, GRUFF., or RUFF. to go after him!"
  • Dudley: "Don't worry Kitty, that bridge is going up and the Chameleon is going down! Burp me again!" (Kitty burps him again, he burps a laserbeam at the bridge control panel making it raise)
  • (Chameleon drives off raising bridge; Queen falls off)
  • Kitty: (saves Queen) "Gotcha!"
  • (Chameleon screams, lands in kettle-shaped tea pot factory)
  • Chameleon: "Foiled again by my archenemy, the hot beverage!"
  • (cut to end at Cluckingham Palace; crowds present)
  • Biff: "Well done TUFF agents, you did a horrifically sloppy job but got lucky in the end.
  • Kitty: (blushes) "We get that a lot."
  • Chameleon: (dripping in tea) "Huh, can I get a towel.. or the crown jewels?" (Queen looks at him sternly) "Hey, I took a shot." (guard takes him away)
  • Queen: "Agents Katswell and Puppy, for your courage and for saving the crown jewels, I shall now (cluck) knight you!"
  • Kitty: (excited) "Dudley, she's going to knight us!"
  • Dudley: (whispers) "But it's day time..." (thunderclap; begins to rain) "Here your majesty!" (hands Kitty's umbrella to Queen, but she flies away)
  • Biff: "Oh my! We've got to save the queen! The future of all England is at stake!" (hears bell) "Oh jolly good, tea time."
  • (everyone takes out teacups)
  • Dudley: (to Biff) "WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?" (burps laserbeam that destroys teacup) "I AM.. SOORRYY.."
  • Biff: (sighs)
  • (ending gag with Biff and Dudley)
  • THE END

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